Looking for Lost Emotion: God’s Grace Takes Over

It was noontime. Still in the dining table after lunch, I browsed through the celfon to post the photos taken earlier from the community assembly in the social media page. In the process, I happened to view the messenger. There I saw the messages. There was nothing intimate about the exchange. Everything appears casual. Like that of old friends. But, what’s striking about it was the tone that can’t be seen, only felt. That kind shared only to someone you are comfortable with. That kind that opened a healed wound. The pain from the old wound resurfaced and the mind and heart connived to make the whole being feel nothing but bad and sad, at the same time. I tried to take full control over my emotions but failed. My head throbbed as if it would burst anytime. I was thinking of the possibility of having a stroke. The stress the erratic and uncontrollable emotion  made me think too of cancer. It was horrendous from all sides.

Even while the 5pm mass witnessed the tears tumbling down my cheeks. While the three spiritan priests co-celebrated the mass, I felt I might not make it to the end and I had to walk out of church. Yeah, that was how bad my state was. I could only utter three prayers. That I would rise over my situation; that Joel would be free to edit my paper; and, that I don’t have to pay for another 20 thousand tuition fees for re-enrollment.

We went home with my head throbbing so hard, my heart seemed very heavy to bear, I felt like bursting like a balloon filled with water. I even braved dining out with a couple, oblivious to the masked emotions. But, in the confines of the bedroom later, the tears were back tumbling down while I made the socstat final exam. It was unbelievable. Even I was afraid of myself of what I’m to do if I will allow myself to do anything to address my frustrations. There was the question to ask, where shall I return him. There was the suggestion for him to go there and be comfortable. There was the scenarios to cut ties.

It was about 4pm today, after I woke up from sleep inside the still mobile van that I felt refreshed. I felt better. I felt light. I searched for that hurting emotion ready to spill tears. I found none. I looked for the headache too. There was none. Oh God, praise be to you. You’ve made me now rise above my situation. This is all God’s inexplicable grace. In 24hours, my prayer was answered to my favor. Oh, I’m forever grateful. I am not used to this feeling of calmness above an unresolved matter. In fact I wait for the marvel God would show before me about this predicament. One thing is sure, I feel so good amidst the situation. Lord, continue to lead me to the right path of decisions. Prayer does move mountain. It moved the heavy mountain that seemed to paralyze me. I feel free. TGBTG.

Father’s Day: How Great Is Your Love

Yesterday the world celebrated Father’s Day. My family’s early arrival at our religious group’s community assembly allowed me catch a blessing. Any good thing my way should be regarded as a blessing. The host group’s facilitator approached me to fill in a brother-sharer’s spot as that brother could not make it. When did I ever say no to these instances I do not remember. As usual, at times like this, all I ever do is rely on the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I silently prayed to the Father to let the Holy Spirit enlighten me, what must I share that would bring blessing to those who hear. I prayed in the name of Jesus. And, as always my confidence never waiver.

After worship, I remember the facilitator called my name with the accompanying triple F to describe me. F for fashion, F for food, and F for (I have to my husband about this third F). I entitled my sharing as Father. I mentioned two factors that made me who I am presently. The vertical father and the horizontal father.

The vertical father above made me rely upon Him most of the time as a child for I looked so many things and qualities in my biological father that I felt he didn’t have. I looked for what he’s not that I failed to note what he was that other fathers could not do. I mentioned that I later realized the good things my father did. I was able to eat big carapace shrimp because he toiled in Agusan river for hours to catch them. I even eat organic veggies all my childhood. I mentioned that after all, I lived a rich daughter’s life with all those.

I mentioned that the longings I have for those that my bio father lacked, my Father above had given me through my husband. Well, that brought squeals of joy from the assembly. Yes, I said that Father God filled my longing. He let me experience the perfect father that my heart longed for through my bio father and my husband.

I further explained why I comfortably call my husband at times as ‘dy, short for daddy. It could by my subconscious finding a dad in my husband. I mentioned I heard other sisters call their husbands either as tatay, pa, dad, pang.

I realized now that my sharing somehow honored my bio father and the fatherhood of my husband as well. Then I closed my sharing by reading these lines from a song in honor of my vertical father above.

And, I greeted every father, a happy father’s day.

Below is the complete lyrics of the song “How Great Is Your Love”

VERSE 1
No eye has seen and no ear has heard
And no mind has ever conceived
The glorious things that You have prepared
For every one who has believed
You brought us near and You called us Your own
And made us joint heirs with Your Son

CHORUS
How high and how wide
How deep and how long
How sweet and how strong is Your love
How lavish Your grace
How faithful Your ways
How great is Your love, O Lord

VERSE 2
Objects of mercy who should have known wrath
We’re filled with unspeakable joy
Riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth
And the wonder of knowing Your voice
You are our treasure and our great reward
Our hope and our glorious King

Heavy Schoolbag Woes

Parents’ heavy schoolbag woes could have been addressed by Lapid’s Senate Bill 2179. How could then DepEd Sec LaSalle Brother Armin Luistro looked down on it as trivial!

Lapid introduced a bill in 2010 about school bags similar to a bill filed by Pampanga 1st district Rep. Carmelo Lazatin. Lazatin’s House Bill 6644 and Lapid’s Senate Bill 2179 sought to limit the load of school bags to 15 percent of the student’s weight.

BUT
Philippine Inquirer editorial in Oct. 2011 partly stated: “The measures Lapid has filed can sometimes verge on the bizarre. Among the most unusual he has sponsored are: a bill that seeks to give left-handed Filipinos the same opportunities as right-handed Filipinos; another sets a limit on the weight of the school bags borne by Filipino schoolchildren ….”

Education Secretary Armin Luistro (PDI report in 2010): “Luistro told reporters earlier that he found Lapid’s Senate Bill No. 2179 too trivial to require enactment into law. Luistro said the problem of overloading schoolbags could easily be addressed by the school principal and the parents themselves. ‘If we pass too many laws, nobody will believe in our laws anymore. I think a simple news item on this topic is enough,’ Luistro said with a mocking laughter.”

addendum: Lapid also filed a Senate bill that would provide desks designed for the left-handed… of course, this was also ridiculed. Sad.

Realization: I should have voted for Lapid in the last election. Hayz. Good, he won.

#ANNmusings
#societyMatters

Colors as Group Symbols: Political Labeling in the Philippines

Yesterday, PH Election Day, I consciously chose the color of my outfit of the day, thereby eliminating few of my spontaneous grabs of clothes. I’d like to slip in and out of the voting precinct sans labelling eyes on my ootd. I ended up wearing the color that matches best the indelible ink. Nobility, grandeur, wisdom of voting are few of violet’s depiction. As a citizen of this country and a resident of this city, I did my duty.

Labeling (in politics) may level-up like a wrecking ball that smashes relationships, especially among passionate individuals, friends or family, who can be emphatic in expressing choices. Agreement to disagree can be tough to those whose social statuses accord them being listened to, obeyed, nodded. This escalates when one tries sooo hard to futilely convince the other. Frustrations are expressed in harsh words, either bravely in face to face interactions or as generic shoutouts on facebook walls.

Whichever way, it’s like engaging a war where there’s no ultimate winner, as each may likely be physically exhausted and emotionally devastated. It’s that choice that kind of deep, maybe likened to that of faith and love.

Can anyone tell you who to worship? Will you reckon to somebody telling you who to love? Like clanging cymbals are your word-spurts expressing that your choice is the best, what’s right, and all else are otherwise. Isn’t that too self-righteous?

How GoGetFunding did not Work For My Cause: The Case of Teacher Manilyn’s Septicemia

Yes, the renowned help platform did not work for my posted cause back in February 2019 as it did to many others. The website said in one of its tips that to boost the campaign I need to repeatedly broadcast my campaign to various social media accounts at least twice to five times in a day for a week. I only have Facebook. And I’m into it just because many of my friends have migrated to other countries, including my only bio-sister. I need to be in touch with them. So, I do not have Twitter or Instagram. I do not feel I need to have them. So this is the topmost reason fatale to my campaign.

The second best reason would be this – I’ve most likely exhausted the help of my friends via Facebook since two months ago from the campaign. Through Facebook, my friends  and relatives altogether got updates of the family’s predicament since Day1, that was 13th of December 2018. When I openly broadcasted on my Facebook wall the need for others to come forward and extend financial help two weeks after the family crisis, friends and relatives have started pouring out their support. Hence, posting a campaign in GoGetFunding was sort of hitting strangers. True enough, as what the website mentioned in one of its tips, seldom can you attract strangers to your cause. It should be your family and friends. Hence, this is the next reason fatale to the campaign.

I guess, I only have to mention these two reasons and it sort of cover the whole story of the campaign’s partial failure already. It’s not complete failure anyhow since there are very few friends of my sister who coursed through their help at GoGetFunding, although, they could have directly sent the amount via the usual route to my bank accounts, thereby saving the PayPal fees (which is GoGetFunding’s conduit).

So, what was the campaign all about? Let me just share here a poem I’ve written out of the fullness of my heart when my sister -in-law Manilyn was discharged from the hospital on the 4th of February 2019 after her Day 1 of confinement on 13th of December 2018. The poem sort of give a bird’s eye view of the family crisis we had had, to which until now we are still recovering – Manilyen to regain back her pre-sick self and us to be debt free from coop loans incurred.

💥Out by God’s Grace💫

53 days in hospital
A month of that in ICU
In hospital due to labor pains
Normally delivered the baby
Contracted septicemia the next day

For days just on supportive care
Kidneys fail, vitals deranged
Everything seemed unknown
Bacteria or whether would wake up
That sight of frailty attached to tubes

Specialists too hoped for a miracle
Waiting in days and nights too long
Days turned to weeks, carers on edge
Prescriptions in hundreds to thousands
Beyond what common families could bear

Sells shirts for a cause became a source
Lo! Friends sent help even without shirts
Ripple of friends of friends of how many
Harold, Mcwain, Abing, David, Martin, Ann
And oh strangers online ordered shirts

Miracle in cure, miracle in helping out
How wonderful it is to be truly rich in
Friends in deed in moments of need
A given, recuperation would take time
Alongside efforts in bills settlement

So, other friends who have not yet bought
We still have shirts for a cause for sale
Proceeds will help us out settle the bills
You’re never late yet in sending help out
Your 400 for shirt helps save two lives

Thank you much kind-hearted friends
Whose outright support weeks ago
Definitely helped us out in daily Rx
God bless you and your family
With good health and abundance

To end this post, I have to say my gratitude to Facebook for allowing me to speedily connect to my friends in times of jubilation and in moments of crisis needing help.

PS. I will write later another post about my sister-in-law

 

November: Birthmonth of Heartmonth Babies

It is notable that when November comes, numerous individuals celebrate their birthday. Well, I can only observe what occurs in my immediate tiny universe of friends, acquaintances, workmates and relatives. Hopefully, I can dig about this phenomenon using local and international statistical records.

In the Philippines, the first two days of November are on national holiday for religious reasons. The first day is for the Catholic saints, the second day is in remembrance of departed loved ones (souls). Majority of the Filipinos, the Catholics, go home to their provincial home towns to pay respect to their dead at the cemetery.

During these first two days, I have friends who celebrate their birthdays. And, it seems, everday thereafter I have a friend or a relative who I grace the birthday celebration. From my family of orientation, I have 2 nieces, the daughters KC and Chen of my younger brother whose birthdays are on October 13 and 17, respectively. KC just turned 7 years old while Chen will be 5 years old.

In my community, I have spiritual  sisters who celebrate their birthday this month.

And, I have these former International House dormmates who are like older sisters I never had, as I’m the family’ eldest.

INDONESIA: The Testimony of the Pilot of the Last Plane out of Palu before the Earthquake

This story is so inspiring that I decided to repost here for my easier access.

October 2018
(English translation)

“Today the Batik Air pilot, Captain Mafella, visited a  church in Jakarta (Duta Injil BIP) and testified why he speeded up the departure of his flight 3 minutes ahead of the Palu airport schedule set.

He told us that all day Friday he had been feeling unsettled and he didn’t know why.

To get rid of these feelings of unrest, he loudly sang worship songs the whole way from Ujung Pandang to Palu, (“Usually I only hummed, but that day I wanted to praise the Lord as best I could”, he said). Eventually his Muslim Co-Pilot jokingly suggested, that he make a CD of worship songs.

When they were about to land at the Palu Airport, the sky was clear but the wind was too strong and he “heard a voice in his heart” telling him to circle again before landing.

The Palu airport is squeezed between two mountain ranges and it reminded him of  the verse, Psalm 23:4:

“I may walk through valleys as dark as death but I wont be afraid. You are with me and your shepherd’s rod makes me feel safe.”

According to the Captain, pilots call airports situated between two mountain ranges, “valleys of death,” because they must be extra careful in landing, so Christian pilots hold on to Psalm 23:4.

A moment after landing successfully, he felt in his heart that he needed to be quick.

Because of that, he instructed his crew to just take a 20-minute break before the plane was due to return to Jakarta via Ujung Pandang.

He didn’t even leave the cockpit and requested permission from the Control Tower to depart 3 minutes ahead of schedule.

After receiving permission for take-off from the late air controller, Agung, [Anthonius Gunawan Agung] they prepared for take off.

Captain Mafella confessed that at that time he broke flight procedures because he took over the job of the Co-Pilot by speeding up the plane in the process of take off.

He didn’t know why but his hand kept holding on to the lever causing the plane to speed up as it took off.

He did not know then that an earthquake had struck Palu but he felt the plane swaying a little to left and right.

According to him if he had taken off three minutes later, he would not have been able to save the 140 passengers, because the asphalt on the landing strip was moving up and down like a curtain blowing in the wind.

Several minutes after take-off, he tried to communicate with the tower but there was no response from Agung.

He looked down and saw a strange phenomena.

The sea water on the coast was forming a very large hole “so that the foundation of the sea bed could be seen.”

When the plane arrived in Ujung Pandang, he was told that there had been an earthquake and tsunami in Palu and that the official in the control tower who had organised his plane’s take off, had died shortly after he [had stayed back and] had made sure that the plane had taken off safely.

This afternoon before he left to fly to Kuala Lumpur, Captain Mafella emphasized how important it is that we are hear the voice of God.

And whatever happens we must be calm, not in a panic, so that we can clearly hear the voice of God coming to us by the Holy Spirit – because he added that when he took over the role of the co-pilot to speed up the take off, the co-pilot looked fearful, as the body of the plane was swinging left and right.

May we take a lesson and a blessing from the testimony of Captain Mafella today.”

#MarieSson: Of Balance Sheets and Peace and Order

Newlyweds Jesson and Rosemarie
For your two hearts to beat for each other
Wrapped in magic the mind can’t decipher
Knots now tied no one must put asunder
Set your marriage goal to beyond forever
That is achievable with God at the center
With humility kneel and ask for it in prayer
Nothing is impossible to God we surrender

Wisdom and experience as witnesses
Tell us that in our human relationships
A lot of work in fact a marriage requires
Yours may only need light adjustments
1 April 2014 you became sweethearts
26 December 2017 you got engaged
Yet in high school you were classmates
Aside from growing up as kababayans

Take note of the your wedding homily
To each other “palihug” you must say
When you wrong “pasaylo” must be ready
Whatever circumstance trust is on the way
We your godparents are a text or call away
Rest assured you are in our prayers daily
For your success, joys and a soon baby
In all of your life’s journey, be happy
To God be the Glory

Ode to You: Have I Neglected Thee

Even insured by Mariah Carey
How often have I neglected thee
No doubt like a goat on priority
But maybe due to your versatility
Coupled with your dependability
Always in place like the infantry
Oh not that late for the so sorry

In the countryside way back when
Demands for thy use overwhelms
Wandered expanse under coconut trees
Submerged for hours in muddy ricefields
For seedling pulls or catch mudfishes
Walked miles to locate a lost carabao
Climbed gooseberry trees by the riverside

Followed wishes and commands
Of purposely driven bosses
On dancefloor until music ends
Trekked valleys cum boondocks
Crossed series of shallow rivers
Visited unknown random houses
Soaked by the rain not the pants

One day wirings just gone berserk
Sporadic red patches surfaced
The bosses had to step on the brake
Erythema nodosum was suggested
Bedrest should be to slow the tribe
Hypersentivity vasculitis is the D x
Twelve days of pred antihist as T x

The human mortal knows nothing
Each tic toc may bring in anything
Could be life’s likes or not in the least
Either brings out the worst or the best
May be beyond mind’s understanding
Who can fathom the Supreme Being
Let each chime well lived as grace

~ ~ ~

I’ve written the above poem amidst the angsts that I felt while I was in limbo as to what transpired to my legs in mid-April of 2018. The legs were just the starting points though, for the red papules invaded my upper extremities as well (the inset of the picture below).

I’ve been trying to lead a healthy lifestyle through good food and exercise and even supplementation. It’s akin to, I woke up like this! It definitely caught me by surprise. And, because I lost a sister to Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura in 2001, I could not help myself getting scared (not for me but for my young kids) to be told that I have Idiopathic Hypersensitivity Vasculitis!

Notice the same first word? Idiopathic.  It means that a disease is arising from an unknown cause. What makes matters worse is, we have the same treatment – prednisone. Prednisone is a dehydrogenated analogue of cortisol used as immunosuppressant in my late sister’s and my case.

Who on earth wouldn’t be bothered? But, that’s an understatement for the well managed, if not grappled, internal panic I had. Only by God’s grace, propelled by incessant prayers by people who care, that I’m able to go through those trying months. And, God led me to victory on 18th of May. TGBTG!

 

Of Grades and Awards: Unrecognition of the Many

My eldest child, I call her bb#1, is now on her 9th grade at a science school. This level may  truly be trying as there are only very few on Recognition List every time the school’s Quarter Recognition is held. While grades 7, 8 and 10 may have almost 20 on the list, Grade 9 only has less than 10. At one time, I noticed only six names on the list. I observed this when I graced each of the quarter recognition of bb#1 in her 7th and 8th grade. Eight times in all.

To be recognized as one of the names on a Director’s List, a junior high school student at this science school must have a Grade Point Average (GPA) of 1.5. Our bb#1 hit it all in her grades 7 and 8. But not yet at her 9th grade so far. Two quarters have passed already. So, what is her GPA then? It’s a little over 1.6 but not beyond 1.7. O-ha! If this is in a college level, then bb#1 would surely be a cum laude, which require a GPA of 1.75 or better. The 1.5 would be a magna cum laude. Wow. So even if bb#1 is not called to the stage for a certificate giving, yey, she is still that intelligent kid!

Her laggard performance zeroes in on Filipino-based subjects – Filipino and Social Science. Like a buy1-take1 thing because Soc Scie is on Filipino language. This has always been like this since the first grade. Well, our national hero who is a polyglot, Dr Jose P Rizal, even wrote that Tagalog is a very difficult language! And, even if it is referred to as Filipino, the actual use is 90 percent, if not a hundred percent Tagalog. We Visayan speaking folks in the country have hard tongues speaking hard vowels. Hence, it is very difficult for us to shift to the soft Tagalog. Well, anyway, good thing the school subjects are mostly English based, so bb#1 could easily get a flat 1 in Mathematics =)

Recognition is not just for the academics. The school may be is focused on science and mathematics, but there is wide embrace towards alternative learning activities (ALA) such as the arts, dance, media (broadcasting), agriculture (gardening) and even cookery. Of the many ALA choices, bb#1 chose Dance since the 7th grade up to the present 9th grade. She just love to dance! Few days ago, we skimmed the city stores for a loose-fitting camouflage pants for her dance attire in the incoming ALA Culmination. We found one – a branded ukay at two hundred pesos. We also bought a fitting black top from Gaisano Mall. Kim chose two pieces. I could only agree as we seldom buy brand new clothes for them anyway.

Other contests that the school participate in aside from math and science include the arts. Since bb#1 beats the ALA-arts contestant in poster-making at school, she (from ALA-Dance)  is to represent the school in a Poster Making Contest at the national level. It will be held at UP Los Baños. She already has the airplane ticket for tomorrow’s flight after the ALA Culmination. Hopefully, she will enjoy her trip and be able to draw what she wants to interpret of the theme during the contest and be happy with her output. Winning would be a bonus!

She did win First Place on Editorial Cartooning contest sponsored by the Rotary Club of Cagayan de Oro Premier in 2016. She has a knack for the arts. She got it from her dad who gifted me in 2001 his work – a framed charcoal sketch of Jesus Christ face. It was a gift that I prefer over flowers and chocolates noh, so he’s able to catch my attention =) Below are the photos I took at SM Uptown in Cagayan de Oro City when it schowcased the winning entries of the contest.